Category Archives: Death of a Child

Death of a Child, Death of a Parent, Homicide

Arizona Memorial Service or Pep Rally for Students

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I was horrified last night when I watched what the University of Arizona called a “Memorial Service” for six people murdered last weekend.

Expecting a dimly lit, reverent, quiet, respectful service remembering each of those killed and all of those struggling to survive their wounds, I instead saw a gathering of tens of thousands, primarily students, in what looked like the university’s basketball arena where these students were there more to see President Obama than to console the family members of the dead and wounded.

I really could not believe what I was seeing. Since when is a memorial service an opportunity for the crowd to cheer wildly when the President and his wife walked to their seats, or when he gave his speech. Didn’t they know this wasn’t a political rally? Didn’t they know to be respectful of the feelings of so many people who are devastated right now since their family members were murdered just days ago.

I guess my outrage is based upon whether we really have to teach people compassion any more. Do we have to teach members of the event staff that you don’t turn people’s pain into a political event? You don’t make tee-shirts and give them out at a memorial service. You don’t turn a service, which rightfully should have been held in a church or small venue for only those who were immediately involved in this tragedy, into a huge rally with cheering students.

It’s just not appropriate. It’s unkind, unthinkable, disrespectful.

Another event for the students could have be organized for a later time. This ‘service’ should have been only for those whose families were killed or wounded…period.

What bothers me the most is these families will always remember this. They are in shock. They are fragile and everything that happens in the days following a loved one’s death, is not erased. I know this.

How do you think they felt thinking they would be part of a respectful, quiet, perhaps candlelit ceremony and instead went to a political rally? How do you apologize for that.

And while the President’s words were somewhat soothing and he did a good job of taking the time to speak about each of the victims, the cheers when he spoke, to me, felt more a confirmation of the crowd’s approval of his being there, than the descriptions of the lives we lost.

Even, I believe, Mark Kelly, Congresswoman Giffords’ husband looked quite uncomfortable sitting among all these politicians.

From my perspective, the most compassionate time of the entire service was when there was a moment of silence for the victims and the choir sung a beautiful song. That was the tone which should have surrounded the entire service.

It was so obvious whoever planned this event, has never been to a memorial service or candlelight vigil for murder victims, or worse, they weren’t interested in planning it for the benefit of the victims’ families but for another agenda.

Death of a Child, Homicide

A Father’s Grief After His Daughter’s Murder

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The attempted murder of Tucson, Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Gifford as well as the murder of six others, including 9 year-old Christina Green, shocked Americans this weekend. A deranged gunman started shooting into a crowd at a outdoor gathering with Congresswoman Gifford’s constituents. She invited them to learn about legislation in Washington and to hear their concerns about their government and its policy.

As I am no stranger to homicide and how it affects those who survive the murder victim, I wanted to share this video between Fox News Channel’s Megyn Kelly and Mr. John Green, the father of young Christina Green. Little Christina was attending the town hall gathering with a neighbor because she wanted to learn more about the political process and listen to her first Congress member, having been elected to her school’s student council.

Ironically, little Christina was born on September 11, 2001. I find it amazing that her life began on a day in our history when thousands were killed by terrorists, and she lost her life violently as well.

My condolences to her family and that of all the other victims of Saturday’s senseless shooting.

Please share your comments below.

Death of a Child, Holidays

The Dreaded Invitation

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Peter from the UK writes, “My boss has invited us to a Christmas dinner party at his home.  My wife and I recently lost another pregnancy and are not up for this.  How can we not go?  This is my boss.  What do I do?”

Dear Peter,

While you might feel as though you have little choice because it is an invitation from your boss, telling him the truth is actually the best way to handle this.

If you feel uncomfortable telling him in person, you can write a simple hand-written note addressed to both he and his wife, thanking them for the lovely invitation.  Then you can very simply say, “My wife and I were delighted to receive your kind invitation.  Recently we had the sad news that we miscarried another pregnancy.  While we would love to be with you to celebrate Christmas, considering the circumstances, we feel it best to stay close to home right now.  Please know when we are feeling better perhaps we can get together at our home sometime next year.  Thank you for understanding.  We appreciate your consideration.

Meanwhile, we wish you and your family a delightful Christmas season. ”

He will be impressed that you took the time to send him the note and now that he clearly understands your reason for not accepting his invitation, he will not feel slighted or offended and your relationship is on solid ground.

An additional touch would be to send a bottle of wine or other small gift to his home for the Christmas celebration.

Death of a Child, Emotional Challenges, Grieving Children

I’m Still Here!

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“A number of years ago my sister was killed and I’m the only child left in the family. My parents are still grieving and I find myself screaming, ‘But I’m still here’. What’s wrong with this picture?” Tony in New York

Tony, the picture you describe in not only accurate, but common. And while it may be distressful to hear that, I would recommend you take comfort in this one fact – you are not alone.

Many young people, and even not so young people, who have experienced the death of a sibling, seem to feel invisible in their parents’ eyes even years later. It seems as if no one told them they still have a living, breathing, active, loving child or children.

One of the most, if not the most, devastating event that can occur for a parent, is the loss of a child. I can tell you from my experience with my former husband that it will change a person forever.

But it is important that you connect with your parents and let them know how being in their own little world is affecting you.

I know you’d probably want to scream out all the injustices you have felt since your sister was killed, but a better way is to simply send them a note. Don’t blame; chances are they have been oblivious to your needs. Instead, tell them how you feel. Let them know you love them and want to be closer to them. You’d like a way to start talking out loud again about your family situation.

Welcome them to start by writing back. Often times is you write or email, it is less confrontational and, obviously, can’t escalate to blame, name calling, or hurt feelings.

Once you’ve both written out how you feel and how her death has affected you, you can move toward asking for what it is that would correct your feelings of isolation within the family unit.