Arizona Memorial Service or Pep Rally for Students

I was horrified last night when I watched what the University of Arizona called a “Memorial Service” for six people murdered last weekend.

Expecting a dimly lit, reverent, quiet, respectful service remembering each of those killed and all of those struggling to survive their wounds, I instead saw a gathering of tens of thousands, primarily students, in what looked like the university’s basketball arena where these students were there more to see President Obama than to console the family members of the dead and wounded.

I really could not believe what I was seeing. Since when is a memorial service an opportunity for the crowd to cheer wildly when the President and his wife walked to their seats, or when he gave his speech. Didn’t they know this wasn’t a political rally? Didn’t they know to be respectful of the feelings of so many people who are devastated right now since their family members were murdered just days ago.

I guess my outrage is based upon whether we really have to teach people compassion any more. Do we have to teach members of the event staff that you don’t turn people’s pain into a political event? You don’t make tee-shirts and give them out at a memorial service. You don’t turn a service, which rightfully should have been held in a church or small venue for only those who were immediately involved in this tragedy, into a huge rally with cheering students.

It’s just not appropriate. It’s unkind, unthinkable, disrespectful.

Another event for the students could have be organized for a later time. This ‘service’ should have been only for those whose families were killed or wounded…period.

What bothers me the most is these families will always remember this. They are in shock. They are fragile and everything that happens in the days following a loved one’s death, is not erased. I know this.

How do you think they felt thinking they would be part of a respectful, quiet, perhaps candlelit ceremony and instead went to a political rally? How do you apologize for that.

And while the President’s words were somewhat soothing and he did a good job of taking the time to speak about each of the victims, the cheers when he spoke, to me, felt more a confirmation of the crowd’s approval of his being there, than the descriptions of the lives we lost.

Even, I believe, Mark Kelly, Congresswoman Giffords’ husband looked quite uncomfortable sitting among all these politicians.

From my perspective, the most compassionate time of the entire service was when there was a moment of silence for the victims and the choir sung a beautiful song. That was the tone which should have surrounded the entire service.

It was so obvious whoever planned this event, has never been to a memorial service or candlelight vigil for murder victims, or worse, they weren’t interested in planning it for the benefit of the victims’ families but for another agenda.

Remembering Those Killed and Wounded in Arizona

I wanted to create a special place where folks could leave messages of hope and inspiration, caring and love for those who were violently wounded and deliberately killed this past Saturday, January 8th in Tucson, Arizona during Congresswoman Gabrielle Gifford’s TownHall meeting.

Please visit www.marymac.info/arizona to leave your comments and thoughts. And please share with your friends.

A Father’s Grief After His Daughter’s Murder

The attempted murder of Tucson, Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Gifford as well as the murder of six others, including 9 year-old Christina Green, shocked Americans this weekend. A deranged gunman started shooting into a crowd at a outdoor gathering with Congresswoman Gifford’s constituents. She invited them to learn about legislation in Washington and to hear their concerns about their government and its policy.

As I am no stranger to homicide and how it affects those who survive the murder victim, I wanted to share this video between Fox News Channel’s Megyn Kelly and Mr. John Green, the father of young Christina Green. Little Christina was attending the town hall gathering with a neighbor because she wanted to learn more about the political process and listen to her first Congress member, having been elected to her school’s student council.

Ironically, little Christina was born on September 11, 2001. I find it amazing that her life began on a day in our history when thousands were killed by terrorists, and she lost her life violently as well.

My condolences to her family and that of all the other victims of Saturday’s senseless shooting.

Please share your comments below.

First Christmas Without Your Loved One

After the death of someone close, no one holiday is more difficult to endure than Christmas.

Everyone around us is in the holiday spirit, buying gifts, decorating trees, baking cookies, arranging tables for dinner, cooking delicacies and family-guarded secret recipes. And while you may be participating in body, your soul just isn’t into it this year.

No surprise there. When your heart is aching for the loved one who is no longer near you, you try very hard to get into the Christmas spirit…to feel genuinely happy. But it doesn’t seem to be working.

If I could tell you just one thing today it would be this…it’s ok. No one said you must be overjoyed every single Christmas of your life.

We will go through peaks and valleys whether we like it or not. We will experience happy and sad times and if this is your first sad Christmas, it’s all new to you.

Those who have had other sad Christmases will tell you that they all can’t be perfect. Life hands us tough times and our job is to never forget those who go before us, yet find a way to still live our lives.

Some Christmases are just more painful than others. Some are filled with happy memories and maybe this Christmas you’ll see others enjoying themselves, but inside you, it’s not the same this year.

So if someone close to you died this year, just know you are allowed to feel sad, broken, unfocused, disinterested, jealous of others’ joy and intact families, loneliness, despair, anger, bitterness, frustration, depression.

I’ve been in your shoes before and it’s just miserable. And the only thing that helped even a little, was trying to remember the happy times spent with that individual. In an effort to keep them alive, I’d talk about them out loud. When we were at the dinner table, I’d start by saying, “Do you remember when…” and tell a funny story about them.

Now some family members were a bit silent when I began, because they weren’t sure how it would all go over. Exactly what is the grieving protocol during Christmas dinner anyway? Well whatever people imagine it should be, I usually broke that myth and kept going. I really didn’t care because somehow I didn’t have a very high tolerance for nonsense or other people’s opinions anymore.

And an interesting thing happened, the elephant left the room, people started to laugh at the stories, some added onto them, told their own stories and, yes, some folks even cried, but it didn’t matter. We were no longer worried about saying their name out loud nor were we walking on eggshells around each other. Those awkward silences and pauses had left with the elephant and boy, was I glad for that!

So if this happens to be your first Christmas down the grief path, don’t be so concerned about ‘doing the correct thing’ because nobody really knows what the correct thing is. Just open up because you’ll probably be the only one who has enough guts to start talking out loud about them and guaranteed, someone will thank you.

Mostly, you will feel better…and Christmas dinner will be much easier to bear.

Sending you love on this special day! xoxo

The Dreaded Invitation

Peter from the UK writes, “My boss has invited us to a Christmas dinner party at his home.  My wife and I recently lost another pregnancy and are not up for this.  How can we not go?  This is my boss.  What do I do?”

Dear Peter,

While you might feel as though you have little choice because it is an invitation from your boss, telling him the truth is actually the best way to handle this.

If you feel uncomfortable telling him in person, you can write a simple hand-written note addressed to both he and his wife, thanking them for the lovely invitation.  Then you can very simply say, “My wife and I were delighted to receive your kind invitation.  Recently we had the sad news that we miscarried another pregnancy.  While we would love to be with you to celebrate Christmas, considering the circumstances, we feel it best to stay close to home right now.  Please know when we are feeling better perhaps we can get together at our home sometime next year.  Thank you for understanding.  We appreciate your consideration.

Meanwhile, we wish you and your family a delightful Christmas season. ”

He will be impressed that you took the time to send him the note and now that he clearly understands your reason for not accepting his invitation, he will not feel slighted or offended and your relationship is on solid ground.

An additional touch would be to send a bottle of wine or other small gift to his home for the Christmas celebration.

Assisting Those Grieving a Loved One's Death

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