As the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver, British Columbia come to a close, I wish to acknowledge the courage of Canada’s Joannie Rochette who beyond all emotional pain following the sudden death of her mother, continued to see her and her mother’s dream come to pass.
Brava Joannie…
While its very admirable that the Hollywood community would rally to raise funds for those affected by the horrendous aftermath of such an earthquake in Haiti last week, I’d like to make you aware of an organization which has been helping the Haitian people for over 20 years, which truly deserves your support.
One of the key concerns for families donating their hard-earned dollars is always that the funds contributed will do the most good for the purpose the money was given. That was my desire when I developed the Foundation for Grieving Children.
When such major telethons join with the Red Cross, United Way and others who have, in the past, shown they have so many tiers of administration or that the funds are not managed well, I personally look toward other non-profits whose motivation is a pure heart.
Consequently, I’d like to introduce to you an organization known as Hope for Haiti founded by a good friend, JoAnne Kuehner. Her husband and I are alumni of the University of Scranton and I learned of her work many years ago.
She has a pure heart toward the children and families of Haiti and has been doing this work for over 20 years. This is the type of organization which deserves our support.
Ironically, the telethon tomorrow night has the same name as her organization which has been doing this work long before the earthquake.
So I encourage you to consider sending any donation you choose to make for the survival of the people of Haiti to JoAnne’s organization. They have successfully helped the Haitian people in the past and are already on the ground.
They know the land, the people, the needs, the politics. From my perspective, they have a much greater ability to get the job done more efficiently and effectively than any group which has spung up overnight since the earthquake. For these new organizations, it’s a learning process. For JoAnne’s organization, Hope for Haiti, it’s commonplace.
In this day and age, it is necessary to use our donated dollars wisely. Give your gift to Hope for Haiti at www.hopeforhaiti.com. They will use your generosity with wisdom and speed and, most of all, much love.
Our prayers are with all who have endured this tragic event and all who have given of their time to help these families rebuild each shattered life.
God Bless the nation of Haiti and its people. And God Bless JoAnne and her team for the countless years of dedication toward this cause.
Katherine glanced at the oversized banner promoting 25% off all men’s wear. “That’s one department I won’t need to shop in this season,” she thought. A suffocating feeling soon overwhelmed her. The holiday music seemed louder, the decorations larger, and the shoppers multiplied with each panic-stricken stride toward the parking lot. Moments later, she found herself collapsed in her car, weeping uncontrollably.
For most families, year-end holidays are a time of reunion, festive meals, and gift giving. But for the bereaved, those grieving the death of a loved one, this time of year can bring anxiety, mixed emotions, and heartache.
If you are grieving the death of someone close this season, there are a number of things you can do to reduce the stress and alleviate unnecessary pain.
· Understand that you are working at limited capacity and have less physical and mental energy. You may have trouble focusing and concentrating. You may need more rest. Don’t beat yourself up about this. There is no magical way to cope with your pain during the holiday season. Be gentle and patient with yourself. The holidays will definitely feel different this year and perhaps a number of years to come.
· Be selective with invitations. Don’t accept invitations simply because of obligation, past attendance, or guilt. There are no “shoulds” anymore. Do what makes you feel comfortable surrounded by caring, compassionate people who understand your grief and are willing to support whatever emotions may come up for you.
· Build into each invitation the ability to change your mind. Yes…change your mind. It’s okay to change your mind. With each RSVP, you might say, “I really want to join you, but I’m afraid I’ll wake up that day and not feel like being around a lot of people. So I’m accepting on the condition that I can cancel at the last minute or, if I do attend and it gets too much for me, you won’t be offended if I leave early.” Now you’ve set the stage to be comfortable either way.
· Keep planning simple. The more complex, the more energy you need. Make a list of all your traditional activities. Next to each event write down your thoughts and feelings: This year I don’t have the motivation to cook dinner for twenty guests. In a third column entitled “How could we do this differently?” write alternative ideas to that tradition: Ask my sister to prepare dinner this year or would Christmas brunch be easier. Discuss these new possibilities with family members. Let the list sit for a day or two then go back and make some decisions.
· After you’ve made these decisions, don’t second-guess yourself. And don’t feel guilty. You are doing what you need to do to cope with this intense holiday and all the emotion it brings.
· Limit the activities you do choose. If you decide to bake your famous cookies, make three dozen instead of the usual six. Recruit a family member or friend to shop for the ingredients, decorate the delicacies, and help clean up.
· Break down your chosen activities into small segments. Don’t try to do everything all at once. There is no hidden law that says you must decorate the Christmas tree and the entire house the same day.
· Don’t expect perfection either in what you plan, the gifts you buy for others, or the activities you attend. Shop for gifts via store and mail order catalogs, and the internet. Many merchants will wrap, include a giftcard, and ship directly to your loved one.
· Spread the joy around. If you’ve had an opportunity to sort through your loved one’s belongings, now may be the perfect time to present that special memento to your family member.
· Try to add one new tradition in memory of your loved one. Meet at the cemetery as a family to decorate a small Christmas tree. Visit the lake, beach, park, or mountains to release colorful helium balloons with private messages to them attached to each ribbon.
· Communicate with family and friends – they cannot automatically figure out what you need. If you want others to speak openly about your loved one – using their name out loud – you must express your wishes to them. Often those closest to us are uncertain whether mentioning your loved one by name will bring you joy or pain. They need for you to give them permission.
· Find a supportive friend who will stay close to you during those difficult times throughout the holidays. Depression can easily set in along with the desire to hide under the covers. Don’t let this happen to you. If you are feeling blue, call that friend and talk it out. Play soothing music in your home and pull back the curtains to welcome in the sunshine. Call your local 24-hour crisis center or perhaps your favorite ministry’s prayer line. These folks are trained to listen and help you. Don’t shut yourself out from the rest of the world no matter how tempting.
· Spend the holidays with someone. Try not to be alone. Consider when the loneliest times are for you and make arrangements to visit with others, have them visit with you, or plan an activity out.
· Include the children. Don’t be fooled into believing children do not grieve. They simply do not have the language skills to adequately express their pain. Encourage them to draw pictures and decorate cards to hang on the tree or fireplace mantel.
· Spend more time with teenagers and young adults – this may be their first death experience. New emotions associated with the grieving process can be scary. If you are having difficulty connecting with your child, ask a trusted relative to “shepherd,” or watch over, them. Don’t be offended if they find comfort sharing their fears with an adult other than you. Your pride is less important than finding your child a safe haven to express himself.
· Limit your use of drugs and alcohol. Masking the pain doesn’t make it go away – it only postpones the grieving process. You don’t want to compound one painful situation with a long-term addiction.
· Do for others. By volunteering to help your community’s less fortunate, you take the focus off yourself and your pain. Is there a local nursing or retirement home that would appreciate your family’s time?
· If you find yourself happy, smiling or laughing, don’t feel guilty about it. You are entitled to the release laughter brings.
Well it’s been an interesting few months for me personally. On Monday evening August 31st Frank and I were driving home when an “alleged” drunk driver plowed into us head on, leaving us both unconscious in a near fatal crash.
Fortunately we were taken to the number one Trauma Center in the area, Hackensack University Medical Center in New Jersey, and spent seven weeks there being treated by a phenomenal Trauma Team, Orthopaedic Surgeons, Nurses and Aides.
This one irresponsible act has caused a great deal of trauma, pain, countless broken bones and realigned life plans for both us and family members who have graciously risen to become caregivers to us. Frank remains in critical care at the hospital and I’ve recently moved to a rehabilitation facility to work toward my recovery.
But as I’ve laid staring up at ceiling panels (do you have any idea how many tiny holes they have in them?) in between three surgeries, blood tests, IV changes, XRays, CT Scans, several pints of blood, Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, mountains of paperwork, police visits, and the constant consultations with nurses, trauma doctors and surgeons, you have no choice but to reassess how to move forward. And after the morphine fog slowly dissipates, and through a lot of trial and error you figure out a new pain management system, you begin to make plans again.
My beloved Foundation for Grieving Children, aka as the F4GC, continues to receive just as many grant requests while I’ve been hospitalized. We’d like to fill as many as possible and to do this I need your help.
During the month of November, we are asking our valuable donors and brand new friends who are sympathetic to our cause, to make their best donation at this season and also to extend an invitation and encourage all their friends in their email address books, as well as their Facebook, MySpace, Linked In and other social networking site accounts to give at least $10.00 sometime before November 30th. That’s only two coffees or a lunch!
To make it more fun, for each $10.00 donation you will receive 2 chances to win a 32” Insignia TV donated by Best Buy, 529 Fifth Avenue at 44th Street in Manhattan. If you donate $50.00, you’ll receive 10 chances; every $5.00 gives you another chance for the prize.
There are two easy ways to give:
1. By credit or debit card at Foundation for Grieving Children website.
2. Mailing a check to Foundation for Grieving Children, Inc., P.O. Box 3057, New York, NY 10163.
The winner’s name will be posted on our website (hopefully with their smiling face!). Funds raised in November will be sent out as grants in late December to non-profit organizations which assist, educate, counsel and comfort little ones who have experienced their parent, brother or sister, or grandparent’s death.
So please take some time this month as we move into the gift giving season to strongly encourage all your friends on Facebook, MySpace, Linked In, etc. and in your address book to make a donation before November 30th. Many thanks for spreading the word to everyone you know.
And a very special thank you in advance for your personal donation!
Blessings to you and your family,
Mary Mac
www.facebook.com/askmarymac
www.marymac.info
P.S. If you haven’t yet signed up to receive our F4GC newsletter into your inbox, please do so by simply sending an email to [email protected] and we’ll send you updates on what’s going on at the Foundation for Grieving Children. We promise not to flood you with emails because I can’t stand that either!! Just the facts madam, just the facts…
P.S.S. If you’d like to do even more, please put our cause on your personal Facebook page.
I am reminded today of how deeply we grieve and why that really is the case. I believe we grieve so deeply because we loved so deeply. And when someone has loved so deeply they expose themselves to the vulnerability of feeling incredible pain when that loved one has died.
When we are falling in love with someone, there is little thought of all the pain they would eventually feel should their sweetheart leave them through death before they left the other person. We don’t give it much thought.
And as years go by and relationships are built and good times are shared and intimacy is developed together, we rarely think of what might happen if that person was no longer with us. If we might lose them to death regardless of when that might be in our lives.
We rarely think it might be sooner than later. We go into relationships thinking we will be with that person until we are old and gray and don’t give it much thought that there could ever be a chance they will die prematurely.
But sometimes this happens. We take years to find the love of our lives and never think anything would stop our living the dream together until our 70’s, 80’s or beyond. We look for the long haul. We look toward the ultimate…being happily together forever.
Yet what happens if forever is a few months, like when a fiancee is lost, or five years like when a new husband is killed, or like 10 years when the children are little and we need to raise them now alone, or 20 years like when the kids are grown and you thought you’d have the rest of your lives together with your sweetheart alone now.
And you find yourself in a situation where you never thought you’d be. You didn’t anticipate being alone at this point in your life. You are in love. You still have the fire you had when you began and it was snatched out from you at absolutely the wrong time in your life. There was so much life to still live.
I guess the greatest gift we can give those whom we love desperately is to always honor them, be kind to them and act as though they may not be here tomorrow. If we are kind and loving each and every day and let the nonsense slip away, we will never regret a thing of how we loved them. How we made them the center of our world. How we took the chance to completely and enthusiastically take them into our lives and love them without reservation.
Scary…oh yes. To open yourself up to that level of vulnerability seems crazy in the moment. But there needs always to be a time when we know deep down in our core that this person is my honey…my soulmate. He/she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and I am willing to take the chance to love them unconditionally knowing full well that we could lose them at any time.
But not having loved them would be so much more painful than taking the chance of loving them regardless of our past pains and losses. It takes courage to love again. It takes courage to live again.
And it is possible…
