All posts by MaryMac

MaryMac is a grief and bereavement specialist, host of The Mary Mac Show podcast, award-winning author, speaker, executive grief coach, consultant and founder of The Foundation For Grieving Children, Inc., the first national public charity of its kind which raises funds to assist, counsel, comfort and educate children, teens, young adults and their families after a loved one's death.
Holidays

Holiday Grief: How to Remember Your Loved One

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holiday_grief_hi_res JPG Cover FINALHoliday Grief – Tip # 1

One of the most asked questions is “How do I remember my loved one at Christmas and the holidays?” And the answer is…in so many ways.

Just your thoughts of them honor their memory, but there are practical ways, too.

Visiting their resting place and leaving flowers, balloons and even tucking cards and notes in the soil expressing how you feel and how much you miss them.

Having a placesetting at your holiday table with a rose across their dish.

Leaving their stocking on the mantel and extending an invitation to your children and loved ones to leave a note or small symbolic gift in it.

If a child has died, perhaps the toys that would have been given to your children from you and others in your family can be given to a grieving children’s support group after the holidays.

While at dinner, you can suggest that each dinner guest share their favorite story about the loved one who has died or was killed, in an effort to keep their memory alive while bringing laughter and joy to everyone. Even if there are tears, it’s perfectly ok…someone will come up with a funny story that will lighten the mood.

Make a contribution in their name to a wonderful organization that he or she felt strongly about.

Wear some piece of their clothing or jewelry.

Holidays are also a good time to share some of their belongings with your surviving family members. If grandpa had a favorite watch, perhaps it’s meant for your teenage son who loved him so dearly. Having that watch can bring comfort knowing he now can remember the wonderful times he saw his grandfather wear that watch when they were together.

You can also take a bunch of balloons, write messages on them in felt pen and let them float into the heavens either in your backyard, at the cemetery, or another memorable place.

These ideas should help you think of others which would make you feel better.

My book Holiday Grief: How To Cope with Stress, Anxiety and Depression After a Loved One’s Death is available now by clicking here.

Let us know how you’ve remembered your loved one during the holiday season by commenting below.

Death of a Father, Grieving Children, Holidays

Review: May He Rest in Peace

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menorah-star-15686513There are a lot of sites online dealing with grief; some are written by people who truly have lived through a personal crisis and will share their experiences, and others who just try to teach you in a professorial mode.

When I found www.mayherestinpeace.com, I was so happy to see that here you are welcomed to make a memorial website for your loved one. And I was additionally grateful to know it was created by a man who has experienced grief on several levels.

David Goldshtein began this site about a year ago to help others through the grieving process. His father, Michael, died at the age of 84 after ten years of illness, having struggled with cancer, kidney disease, etc. And although the doctors told him several times he was at the end of his life, he never gave up, instead pressing on. As a holocaust survivor, he understood the meaning of fighting to live.

His mother has been struggling with Alzheimers for the past ten years. At the young age of only 17, her parents were sent to a labor camp in Siberia by the Russian Government, leaving her to learn to survive as the daughter of political prisoners.

David’s family’s journey has made him sensitive to grief and as he moves into his forties, he had a desire to celebrate their lives and the challenges they overcame by building a wonderful website that would not only house his memories of his Dad, but to give all of us a place to honor our loved ones who had died or were killed.

I am delighted, as Hanukkah, the festival of lights, begins for the Jewish people this year, to share May He Rest In Peace, for you to honor your loved ones.

In addition, David shares articles (which I will contribute to), books on grief (he’s graciously added my Understanding Your Grieving Heart After a Loved One’s Death), and several other areas which will help you on your journey.

Take the time this weekend to visit his site and look around. David Goldshtein has developed a lovely place to not only learn about the grieving process, but to share the life of those we’ve lost and loved.

My newest book, Holiday Grief: How to Cope with Stress, Anxiety and Depression After a Loved One’s Death is now available here.

Holidays

Giving Thanks for All We Do Have

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On this Thanksgiving Day in the United States, I want to wish all my friends a wonderful day giving thanks for all we do have.

Often times, when we have experienced the death of someone we loved so deeply, and the year-end holidays roll around, we tend to feel great sorrow for what we don’t have.

We don’t have them near to celebration this season with them.

We don’t have them near to cuddle with and enjoy their affection, attention, love and devotion.

We don’t have them near to shower with gifts and attend parties and create memories.

But focusing on what we don’t have instead of what we do, only leads us down a path of sadness and feeling sorry for ourselves.

Perhaps, for just a little while today, we can focus on what little things are bringing us joy this season.

Are we thankful for the dinner a neighbor invited us to because our families live far away? Being included with another’s family can be just as rewarding.

Are we thankful for the family and friends who call us, or write us today and share their day’s adventures. We can be happy for them as they’ve been happy for us in days’ past.

Are we thankful that we can reminisce about the lovely times we did share with our loved ones.

Are we thankful for our home, the people who care about us and who are still in our lives?

Being grateful for what we do have brings hope to our lives and elevates the sense of possibility.

I am so grateful for the folks who read my blog, books and who send me notes that my writing has helped them move a little further through their grief journey.

Find the goodness in this day…find a little more goodness in each day.

I’m thinking of you.

My newest book, Holiday Grief: How to Cope with Stress, Anxiety and Depression After a Loved One’s Death is now available on amazon.com.

Death of a President, Grieving Children, Homicide

Remembering JFK 50 Years Later

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John F. Kennedy / Source: White House Historical Association
President John F. Kennedy / Source: White House Historical Association

I had started Kindergarten a few months earlier and I was getting myself acclimated to my new school in New York City. Since both my parents worked and it was my grandmothers who took turns being at the house after I arrived to take care of me and my brothers, I walked to and from school with a babysitter.

On that day, it was after lunch when the principal came on the speaker system and declared that the President had been shot and school would be let out early. I remember my teacher started to cry and myself and my classmates really didn’t know what was going on. It was my first experience with death.

Before I knew it, my babysitter found me and I was walking home with her. What I do remember distinctly and can picture in my minds eye so well is all the people who were out on the streets in the middle of the day running around, gathering children, and the elevator ride when I arrived in our apartment complex.

Since I was so tiny, I was surrounded by very tall adults in that elevator car, both men and woman, all of whom were weeping. But no one said a word. Usually at that hour, the elevator was empty but that day it was filled with mourners who were all in shock just as I was.

My next memory is sitting on the sofa watching the television with my grandmothers and later on with my parents. I didn’t thoroughly understand it all, but I knew at the tender age of 6 that something major had happened.

I remember watching the funeral and thinking that President and Mrs. Kennedy had children the same ages as myself and my brothers. Caroline and I were born the same year and “John John” was my brother’s age. For some strange reason, I tried to feel what it would be to lose a father, as they did, at that young age.

And as I watched them I seemed to emotionally connect with Caroline from that point on and as the years went by, I would often think of her and how difficult it must have been growing up without her Dad, regardless of his position in the world.

That was the first death that truly impacted my life and I found myself glued to the television. I can’t believe it’s been 50 years since his death, but even now, I can still see myself in that elevator looking up at all those tear-stained faces.

What do you remember about the Kennedy assasination? Share your thoughts below.

Mary Mac’s new book Holiday Grief: How To Cope With Anxiety, Stress and Depression is available now. Click here for more information.

9/11, Anniversaries, Sudden Death, Terrorism

9/11…We Will Always Remember

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Source: Jean-Pierre Ely 2013
Freedom Tower / Source: Jean-Pierre Ely 2013
When this day approaches each year, I always think to myself, “It can’t possibly be 12 years since 9/11.”

But it is…and I find myself shaking my head again. Same as I do each year…shaking my head in amazement.

Yet it’s a day anyone who was an adult then, will always remember.

They’ll remember where they were, what they were doing when they first heard about the attacks, and mostly, who they knew who was either killed or affected by this tragedy.

Sometimes people who weren’t deeply affected by this day will often wonder how the families can keep coming back for more pain, especially by the reading of the names at the World Trade Center.

And my answer is that when a loved one is taken so suddenly, it takes many years to let it sink in. And in this case, many more.

But regardless of how long ago a person has died, when the anniversary of their death comes around, it triggers memories and there isn’t anything one can do to act like those emotions don’t exist.

They do and they hurt. And while a person may feel very emotionally stable the other parts of the year, when that day comes, sometimes a flood of emotions come with it.

And there is nothing to feel guilty about; it is all natural.

So on this day, to the family members and friends of those who were killed…whatever you are feeling…feel it. Embrace it. And after the pain has softened…begin again.

We all love you regardless of how you express your pain on this 12th Anniversary. You are entitled to it all.

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If you need help after the death of a loved one, start by picking up your copy of my best-selling book Understanding Your Grieving Heart After a Loved One’s Death, available on Kindle and in Paperback.