All posts by MaryMac

MaryMac is a grief and bereavement specialist, host of The Mary Mac Show podcast, award-winning author, speaker, executive grief coach, consultant and founder of The Foundation For Grieving Children, Inc., the first national public charity of its kind which raises funds to assist, counsel, comfort and educate children, teens, young adults and their families after a loved one's death.
Suicide

Must Suicide Be the Last Resort?

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Within a matter of days recently, we saw three major players in the world of finance take their own lives and I fear, regardless of the “Madoff” effect, it may get far worse as the year progresses.

German Billionaire Adolf Merckle at age 74, Steven L. Good, Chairman and CEO of Sheldon Good & Co., a leading U.S. real estate auction company at age 52 in Chicago, and Rene-Thierry de La Villehuchet, co-founder and CEO of Access International Advisors at age 65 in New York, were all extremely successful men who employed countless people who, consequently, were able to raise families throughout the world.

By their singular, quite selfish, acts, they have left immediate families to continually wonder how they were at fault and how they will survive the loss of these husbands, fathers, grandfathers, brothers and sons. It has left business colleagues to pick up the messy pieces they’ve left behind. It has left spouses to raise children alone. It has left siblings to provide emotional and, perhaps, financial care for nieces and nephews.

It has also left thousands of employees in shock at the thought that the person they considered their leader wasn’t willing to stick out the rough times just as they are expected to.

So how does a person get to the place where suicide feels like the only option? How does one get to that ultimate dark place of deciding to take one’s own life?

A place of feeling that no one can fix this, not even themselves. A place when they feel there is no one they can confide in. A place when they cannot see where this would all lead. A place where they no longer have control. A place where they cannot weather the anger, shame, animosity and ridicule. A place where there are no possibilities.

If you’re reading these words and finding yourself within this text, please do not despair. Life runs in cycles and no one is perfect. No one is expected to be perfect; no one is expected to have all the answers. No one does. No one can.

If you’re thinking that life will never be the same given your current circumstances, perhaps you’re right. What makes a man or woman successful has less to do with successes than the failures they rose up from to be successful. Self development folks tell us 10 percent is the problem and 90 percent is how you perceive it.

Sure it might take rebuilding companies and rebuilding self-esteem and rebuilding a new life in a somewhat paired-down version. It might take selling off ‘stuff’ and downgrading the house and the cars and revisiting whether it’s really necessary to go on those extravagant vacations this year.

It might take a completely different career change, or a watered-down version of what you are now doing. The kids might not like the changes. So what.

So your credit won’t be perfect (whose will be anyway?) and your resume won’t be perfect and you won’t go to the same clubs for a while and so what. And you might not get to hang out with the same friends because they’re more pretentious than you. And you won’t fly on the private jets or take the corporate cars whenever you want. And you won’t get all the fancy spa treatments or go to exclusive luncheons that cost hundreds of dollars for two. So what.

Everything you think you lost is possible again in the future. But a life is something that cannot be replaced.

The real issue that needs adjustment is much more difficult than any of the things. And that’s …how you see this. Your attitude. And the changes are completely do-able. Promise.

Actually…it’s all do-able. Really. It’s not that you can’t reassess what needs to be done. You’ve been flipping it around in your head for months, haven’t you? Maybe you even started the implementation.

The real issues are these – your pride and lack of humility that’s getting in the way. Oops…sorry. Reality checks stink.

If you’re going to weather this storm, you’ll need to start from the basics.

Take a few moments today for yourself. Buy a journal from the bookstore, so you can add to it wherever you are. On the top of a left-hand page, write the words Ages 10-14, then flip two or three pages and on the next top left-hand page write Ages 15-19, and keep it going for each five year interval you’ve been alive. You can add the years (ie. 1963-1967) if it helps.

What you’re creating is a gratitude journal. Sounds stupid? Hey, stop judging.

Now, each day when you rise start adding to it. During the day take a cup of coffee and instead of wasting time with the other people in the office who are crying doom and gloom, go back to your desk, turn your chair away from the computer and take a few minutes to add to the journal.

Before you go to sleep, take it to a quiet place in the house and add to it. This is your reflective time and it will ultimately help you see that you are more blessed than you think.

During your earlier years, include all the things you accomplished and experiences that brought you great joy. How you taught your younger cousin to ride his bike. How you raised money for children when you were 15. How you worked part-time jobs to get yourself through college. Those things. Those are the experiences which made you who you are.

You have had a great ride. You got to buy and own many things. Women bought clothes and jewelry and purses and shoes which fill their closets; some of which have never been worn. Men got to load up on the latest gadgets, toys and vehicles so they could compete with the other guys. Very nice. Go trade them with your friends and you’ll instantly have new stuff.

But now it’s a new time for you. It’s time to be humble and compassionate and get back to what really matters in life. It’s time to speak nicely to each other. It’s time to be kind again.

And if you think you have nothing to be grateful for when you begin today’s pages, start writing from a new perspective. Choose things like “I’m grateful I have a good woman to go through this hard time with.” “I’m grateful that my family is healthy.” “I’m thankful for friends who love me for me and not what I do.” “I’m grateful that I have some money left over to help others less fortunate than myself.” “I’m grateful I woke up in a warm bed today.” “I’m thankful for my country’s stability.”

Recognizing even the smallest of gifts will lift your spirits and help you start to restore your hope and get your fight back. When you fall into despair, you lose that hope. By taking the time to see there is so much good around you, so much to be thankful for, you will learn how to see it and appreciate it again. By adding to your journal every day, you will move forward with a renewed spirit open to new possibilities to help yourself and others, professionally and personally, push ahead to brighter times.

Because not only are those who love you counting on you, but we really don’t need any more young people grieving the deaths of selfish men.

Death of a Child, Sudden Death

Jett Travolta – Death of a Young Son and Brother

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No one will ever convince me there is a magical formula for healing from the death of a child.

Regardless of whether it was anticipated or not, there is a struggle to understand it. Parents don’t expect to outlive their children. It’s just the way it is.

When someone so full of life is taken from his family at the tender age of 16, we wonder how something like this could happen. How could such an accident occur; how could he die so young.

One of the most difficult challenges about children dying is there are few answers. It just doesn’t make any sense. We can’t get our heads wrapped around the tragedy regardless how it occurred.

I chose this particular photo of Jett because I just loved his tender expression. From the little I have learned from the news reports, it is clear his parents John and Kelly, and his sister, Ella, loved him dearly and completely.

Everyone should know that level of love in their lives. Everyone should be part of such a dynamic family who, even with their celebrity, seemed to really understand and know that family was the priority.

I send my condolences to the Travolta and Preston family today and also hugs to Jett’s sister, Ella, whom I’m sure misses her big brother very much.

May your family be comforted by the many families worldwide who send their love and concern.

And may you know in your hearts, which is obvious for all to see, that Jett moves on now knowing he was deeply, amazingly and demonstratively loved by you in a way that few of us will ever experience.

Blessings…

Holidays

This Wonderful Christmas Day 2008

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So here I am in Florida visiting with parents, family and friends in from all around the United States. It’s a wonderful time for my family.

The decorations in this magical house are courtesy of my sister-in-law, Katie who makes her home so inviting. Little white lights, red ribbons, and ornaments everywhere.

Even the little doggies have tuxedos on today and they bring us all such great joy.

Pictures are snapping everywhere and food, some which has been prepared for days, has been beautifully displayed and will soon be enjoyed. The grill is on and the last minute foods are being cooked now.

I look around the living room and there are numerous conversations going on…the young 2o year old crowd conversing on what their IPOD’s contain, the Moms trading experiencings and laughter surrounding their child raising escapades, young love blossoming in the family for my college-aged niece and her boyfriend.

All the youngest of the family are doting on my two-year old nephew in from California and whom I’ve had the pleasure of being around for only the third time. It’s amazing what distance does to family relationships. But today, I’m especially grateful to be playing around with and witnessing this young one, Elijah, opening his Christmas gifts this morning. It’s an experience I haven’t had since his older brother, Brandon was a babe.

As one of my brothers will be moving to Hawaii next month, I find myself especially aware that it may be a few years again until I’ll have the experience of enjoying all of us being in the same town to spend Christmas together.

But today as I watch everyone enjoying themselves in mini-conversations all around my brother’s home, I am reminded that joy comes from surrounding ourselves with people whom we love and who love us.

In my line of work, someone precious to us can be gone in a moment. So I guess I’m even that much more appreciative and some would say ‘sensitive’ to the recognition that life can change literally in a heartbeat.

No one knows what tomorrow may bring. Or if we’ll even have another experience like I’m enjoying right this moment, as my eldest niece Ashleigh cozies up next to me. She and her sisters mean the world to me. They will always bring such joy to my life.

Let us always be grateful for the precious lives that touch us everyday. With all the turmoil in our world today…the economy, the prices, the wars, the fighting about the right laws of our land, the credit crunch…let us always remember the great gift anyone can give to each other is the time and experiences we share with those we love.

Time is the greatest gift we can give. All the things in our lives can be replaced. They can be found again. But the hugs and love and comfort and experiences with family…this exact special moment in time…can never, ever be captured again.

May you always treasure these moments.

Blessings to all of you on this Christmas Day!

Death of a Child, Homicide

Adam Walsh – A Closed Case

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It has taken 27 years, 4 months and 20 days for John and Reve Walsh, their family, friends and the committed law enforcement officials to say those words. It has taken 10,005 days!

Think about that for one moment…10,005 days.

Little Adam graced his family’s lives for only 6 years, 8 months and 14 days or 2,447 days before he was brutally murdered by Ottis Toole in Florida back on July 27, 1981.

Doing a bit of math, that says that it literally took three times more days to solve this crime than this precious little one lived on this earth.

When you’ve lived with an unsolved murder, as my former husband, his family and I had for 18 years, you understand this. You understand and learn too quickly that there is only a 61% chance that your loved one’s homicide will be solved in this nation. (See blog.)

Any teacher will tell you that’s a failing grade.

But today we celebrate Adam’s young life and all the good that came from his death. It was his parents’ focus and decision that they would make something good happen from this tragedy which ultimately helped thousands of other families from waiting 27 years for definitive answers. I applaud them.

Meanwhile, to hear my comments on this case and the bittersweet ending, please visit my website. If you’d like to learn more about the history of this case, click here. If you’re dealing with the murder of a loved one, you’ll also find help at my website.

More soon…

Holidays

Shopping and Grieving During the Holidays

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One of the most stressful parts of the Christmas, Hanukkah and the holiday season is shopping for gifts but when you’ve experienced a loved one’s death, it seems almost unbearable.

Family and friends are still expecting their gifts and it is difficult, especially for little ones, to comprehend that somehow you decided to sit out this season. So let’s look at a few shortcuts to keep this task managable.

Online sites are by far the most efficient use of your time, your energy and your sanity. You sit, do some surfing, find what you want and presto, it shows up at your door. What a blessing the internet is for grieving-stricken folks. More sites are offering online deals than before and if you order from one site, chances are your shipping will be limited or perhaps zero.

Catalogues…same premise. Flip, choose, order by phone or on the web.

If you need to go to the mall, be prepared for the holiday music, the crowds, the lines, the hectic pace and of course, the people. Let’s take one at a time…

The holiday music can flip you back to a time when the person you loved who has died was shopping with you and perhaps you were singing that song together. Maybe you sang it in the car with the children. Either way that memory can pop up and you well up with tears or feel tightening in the chest.

Crowds…you’ll have less tolerance for nonsense now. Expect it. Crowds don’t seem to fit in the picture. You’re just trying to keep your emotional balance and don’t need the pushing and shoving and diving into piles of clothing for the best bargain…get the picture.

The lines…you don’t have as much patience as you normally would so long lines trying to get to a cash register is really the job of a good friend who goes to the mall with you.

The hectic pace…same issue with the crowds. This year your tolerance is low and rushing around trying to get everything done when you’re energy level will be low to begin with, can be a difficult task.

People…this might sound like a funny one, but think about this. You’ve lost your husband, sometime since last Christmas, and here you are walking in the mall, you sit to have coffee. As you begin the people watch, since you’re staring into space, you glance over to see a couple about your age who is embracing. Ouch.

Or you lost a child this year, you’re walking through one of the major department stores and unaware you walk right past the little girls’ section. It occurs to you that you won’t need to buy anything in that department this year. Double ouch.

Now that you know some of the ‘hazards’ you can be prepared. It’s more about being aware of what can occur, so you won’t put yourself into a position where you’ll be surprised. Just a little thoughtful planning will help make shopping this season more bearable.

Take the time to listen to your heart and obey what it’s telling you. If you can’t do any of this, have a friend or family member help. If you need to limit gift giving, that ok too. Just communicate it all beforehand to your loved ones. You’re gonna make it through!! Promise.