Tag Archives: grief

Death of a Child

Death of a Child…Age is Unimportant

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Greetings!

As I read some of the recent posts to the Grieving Hearts group, it will always be true that no matter when a family loses a child they feel deep sadness for the inability to have seen that child grow beyond the years of their death.

It doesn’t matter whether they were an infant, a teenager, or a 42 year old. It only matters that for their family they won’t have the joy of seeing what they would have done with their life, all the experiences they would have had from that point on and the person they would have become later in life.

When an infant dies the entire cycle of life is considered. All the pleasure of raising that child, watching them grow into a fine young man or woman. Seeing them graduate high school and college. Perhaps seeing them marry and birth children of their own.

Yet when it’s a 42 or even 52 year old child to an older parent, that parent deals with all the additional years they would have had with their child. They also think of how they counted on their child to take care of them in the latter stages of their life.

Regardless of the number of missing years that a parent no longer has the privilege of experiencing, the pain is still great and the hole in the heart still remains. But over time, as grieving and anquish subside, there is a place where it turns to celebration and gratitude for one’s life, however long they happen to be with us.

Uncategorized

Exactly What Were They Thinking…

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One of the continual complaints grieving people have is the insensitivity of others to their pain. And yesterday in lower Manhattan we saw a perfect example of this. (Read more here.)

In an attempt by US Government Officials in Washington to get promotional pictures of Air Force One near Lady Liberty, they inadvertently frightened hundreds of thousands of New Yorkers who work in the World Trade Center area.

I guess the first word that comes to mind is stupidity. Then my thoughts lead toward incomprehension as to how a government official would not have considered that this act would bring up significant pain to those still sensitive to what happened in NYC on September 11th.

Would it not have crossed their minds that they should do everything in their power to notify all New York officials and make it public knowledge so there would be no panic. Instead our folks in Washington told the NYPD to keep it confidential. And no one even told NYC Mayor Bloomberg!

Ironically, this is National Crime Victims’ Rights Week in the USA. We celebrate and remember the lives of those who have been murdered in our country…those who have been raped, abused, assaulted or harmed through the violence of another person.

The citizens of our country, but particularly the citizens of NYC who lived through 9/11 and the after affects and emotional strain, have that day tucked away in their psyches. It is a tender place and we don’t need to assault it in any way.

Perhaps our government officials can please review their need for PR photos at the expense of increased anxiety and emotional turmoil in the lives of thousands of New York and New Jersey residents.

Airplane Crashes

When a Moment Changes Your Life Forever

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When I reflect on the devastating plane crash near Buffalo, New York that killed 50 people this past Thursday evening, I tend to notice how fragile life can be. We go about our business each day anticipating that we’ll wake up with all our family and friends in tact, and go to bed with the same understanding.

We enjoy their company, organize life plans with them, graduate schools and colleges, get married, have babies, raise good children, see them get married and have babies and raise good children all the while believing it will continue this way in perpetuity.

But for some people, like the families who suddenly and so unexpectedly lost their precious loved one in such a horrific tragedy, their ‘normal’ lives were shattered in one single moment. Just one. A moment that will forever change how they see life, how they adapt to life, how they cope with change and how they will rebuild all they’ve ever known.

Nothing is more disconcerting that change. We fight it in our everyday life, but we aren’t far from it. We fight it on our jobs, we fight it in relationships with family and friends, we fight it within ourselves when we realize something better could become available to us if we’d only allow ourselves to change.

But with changes come fear. Fear that we won’t get it right. Fear that it has to come out perfect. Fear that when all is said and done, it won’t be the same as before. And you know what…you’re right. It won’t be the same.

And when tragedy strikes, somehow all that nonsense that came before seems so completely trivial. That was baby stuff compared to this. This is serious. This is sudden. This is shocking. This is real.

So when I meet folks who are so concerned about money and stuff and games they play with other people’s emotions, at this point in my life it’s almost laughable. When you have lived through such tragedy as I have in the past and the families of this flight will now endure, you instantaneously get an entirely new perspective on life.

Right now for them, absolutely nothing else matters. The only thing they are now consumed with is dealing with the shock and disbelief that this is happening to them. That the person who they loved so much is no longer here. That they won’t get to call them to share good news anymore. That they won’t get to share in all their future accomplishments. That they won’t be able to hug and physically love them any longer.

So let us be especially mindful that life is incredibly short. In a blink our lives could change forever. Let us be kind toward others. Let us be loving. For one day, it will be our turn to endure a painful loss.

Suicide

Must Suicide Be the Last Resort?

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Within a matter of days recently, we saw three major players in the world of finance take their own lives and I fear, regardless of the “Madoff” effect, it may get far worse as the year progresses.

German Billionaire Adolf Merckle at age 74, Steven L. Good, Chairman and CEO of Sheldon Good & Co., a leading U.S. real estate auction company at age 52 in Chicago, and Rene-Thierry de La Villehuchet, co-founder and CEO of Access International Advisors at age 65 in New York, were all extremely successful men who employed countless people who, consequently, were able to raise families throughout the world.

By their singular, quite selfish, acts, they have left immediate families to continually wonder how they were at fault and how they will survive the loss of these husbands, fathers, grandfathers, brothers and sons. It has left business colleagues to pick up the messy pieces they’ve left behind. It has left spouses to raise children alone. It has left siblings to provide emotional and, perhaps, financial care for nieces and nephews.

It has also left thousands of employees in shock at the thought that the person they considered their leader wasn’t willing to stick out the rough times just as they are expected to.

So how does a person get to the place where suicide feels like the only option? How does one get to that ultimate dark place of deciding to take one’s own life?

A place of feeling that no one can fix this, not even themselves. A place when they feel there is no one they can confide in. A place when they cannot see where this would all lead. A place where they no longer have control. A place where they cannot weather the anger, shame, animosity and ridicule. A place where there are no possibilities.

If you’re reading these words and finding yourself within this text, please do not despair. Life runs in cycles and no one is perfect. No one is expected to be perfect; no one is expected to have all the answers. No one does. No one can.

If you’re thinking that life will never be the same given your current circumstances, perhaps you’re right. What makes a man or woman successful has less to do with successes than the failures they rose up from to be successful. Self development folks tell us 10 percent is the problem and 90 percent is how you perceive it.

Sure it might take rebuilding companies and rebuilding self-esteem and rebuilding a new life in a somewhat paired-down version. It might take selling off ‘stuff’ and downgrading the house and the cars and revisiting whether it’s really necessary to go on those extravagant vacations this year.

It might take a completely different career change, or a watered-down version of what you are now doing. The kids might not like the changes. So what.

So your credit won’t be perfect (whose will be anyway?) and your resume won’t be perfect and you won’t go to the same clubs for a while and so what. And you might not get to hang out with the same friends because they’re more pretentious than you. And you won’t fly on the private jets or take the corporate cars whenever you want. And you won’t get all the fancy spa treatments or go to exclusive luncheons that cost hundreds of dollars for two. So what.

Everything you think you lost is possible again in the future. But a life is something that cannot be replaced.

The real issue that needs adjustment is much more difficult than any of the things. And that’s …how you see this. Your attitude. And the changes are completely do-able. Promise.

Actually…it’s all do-able. Really. It’s not that you can’t reassess what needs to be done. You’ve been flipping it around in your head for months, haven’t you? Maybe you even started the implementation.

The real issues are these – your pride and lack of humility that’s getting in the way. Oops…sorry. Reality checks stink.

If you’re going to weather this storm, you’ll need to start from the basics.

Take a few moments today for yourself. Buy a journal from the bookstore, so you can add to it wherever you are. On the top of a left-hand page, write the words Ages 10-14, then flip two or three pages and on the next top left-hand page write Ages 15-19, and keep it going for each five year interval you’ve been alive. You can add the years (ie. 1963-1967) if it helps.

What you’re creating is a gratitude journal. Sounds stupid? Hey, stop judging.

Now, each day when you rise start adding to it. During the day take a cup of coffee and instead of wasting time with the other people in the office who are crying doom and gloom, go back to your desk, turn your chair away from the computer and take a few minutes to add to the journal.

Before you go to sleep, take it to a quiet place in the house and add to it. This is your reflective time and it will ultimately help you see that you are more blessed than you think.

During your earlier years, include all the things you accomplished and experiences that brought you great joy. How you taught your younger cousin to ride his bike. How you raised money for children when you were 15. How you worked part-time jobs to get yourself through college. Those things. Those are the experiences which made you who you are.

You have had a great ride. You got to buy and own many things. Women bought clothes and jewelry and purses and shoes which fill their closets; some of which have never been worn. Men got to load up on the latest gadgets, toys and vehicles so they could compete with the other guys. Very nice. Go trade them with your friends and you’ll instantly have new stuff.

But now it’s a new time for you. It’s time to be humble and compassionate and get back to what really matters in life. It’s time to speak nicely to each other. It’s time to be kind again.

And if you think you have nothing to be grateful for when you begin today’s pages, start writing from a new perspective. Choose things like “I’m grateful I have a good woman to go through this hard time with.” “I’m grateful that my family is healthy.” “I’m thankful for friends who love me for me and not what I do.” “I’m grateful that I have some money left over to help others less fortunate than myself.” “I’m grateful I woke up in a warm bed today.” “I’m thankful for my country’s stability.”

Recognizing even the smallest of gifts will lift your spirits and help you start to restore your hope and get your fight back. When you fall into despair, you lose that hope. By taking the time to see there is so much good around you, so much to be thankful for, you will learn how to see it and appreciate it again. By adding to your journal every day, you will move forward with a renewed spirit open to new possibilities to help yourself and others, professionally and personally, push ahead to brighter times.

Because not only are those who love you counting on you, but we really don’t need any more young people grieving the deaths of selfish men.

Death of a Child, Sudden Death

Jett Travolta – Death of a Young Son and Brother

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No one will ever convince me there is a magical formula for healing from the death of a child.

Regardless of whether it was anticipated or not, there is a struggle to understand it. Parents don’t expect to outlive their children. It’s just the way it is.

When someone so full of life is taken from his family at the tender age of 16, we wonder how something like this could happen. How could such an accident occur; how could he die so young.

One of the most difficult challenges about children dying is there are few answers. It just doesn’t make any sense. We can’t get our heads wrapped around the tragedy regardless how it occurred.

I chose this particular photo of Jett because I just loved his tender expression. From the little I have learned from the news reports, it is clear his parents John and Kelly, and his sister, Ella, loved him dearly and completely.

Everyone should know that level of love in their lives. Everyone should be part of such a dynamic family who, even with their celebrity, seemed to really understand and know that family was the priority.

I send my condolences to the Travolta and Preston family today and also hugs to Jett’s sister, Ella, whom I’m sure misses her big brother very much.

May your family be comforted by the many families worldwide who send their love and concern.

And may you know in your hearts, which is obvious for all to see, that Jett moves on now knowing he was deeply, amazingly and demonstratively loved by you in a way that few of us will ever experience.

Blessings…