Tag Archives: holidays

Holidays

Giving Thanks for All We Do Have

Leave a comment

On this Thanksgiving Day in the United States, I want to wish all my friends a wonderful day giving thanks for all we do have.

Often times, when we have experienced the death of someone we loved so deeply, and the year-end holidays roll around, we tend to feel great sorrow for what we don’t have.

We don’t have them near to celebration this season with them.

We don’t have them near to cuddle with and enjoy their affection, attention, love and devotion.

We don’t have them near to shower with gifts and attend parties and create memories.

But focusing on what we don’t have instead of what we do, only leads us down a path of sadness and feeling sorry for ourselves.

Perhaps, for just a little while today, we can focus on what little things are bringing us joy this season.

Are we thankful for the dinner a neighbor invited us to because our families live far away? Being included with another’s family can be just as rewarding.

Are we thankful for the family and friends who call us, or write us today and share their day’s adventures. We can be happy for them as they’ve been happy for us in days’ past.

Are we thankful that we can reminisce about the lovely times we did share with our loved ones.

Are we thankful for our home, the people who care about us and who are still in our lives?

Being grateful for what we do have brings hope to our lives and elevates the sense of possibility.

I am so grateful for the folks who read my blog, books and who send me notes that my writing has helped them move a little further through their grief journey.

Find the goodness in this day…find a little more goodness in each day.

I’m thinking of you.

My newest book, Holiday Grief: How to Cope with Stress, Anxiety and Depression After a Loved One’s Death is now available on amazon.com.

Holidays

First Christmas Without Your Loved One

Leave a comment

After the death of someone close, no one holiday is more difficult to endure than Christmas.

Everyone around us is in the holiday spirit, buying gifts, decorating trees, baking cookies, arranging tables for dinner, cooking delicacies and family-guarded secret recipes. And while you may be participating in body, your soul just isn’t into it this year.

No surprise there. When your heart is aching for the loved one who is no longer near you, you try very hard to get into the Christmas spirit…to feel genuinely happy. But it doesn’t seem to be working.

If I could tell you just one thing today it would be this…it’s ok. No one said you must be overjoyed every single Christmas of your life.

We will go through peaks and valleys whether we like it or not. We will experience happy and sad times and if this is your first sad Christmas, it’s all new to you.

Those who have had other sad Christmases will tell you that they all can’t be perfect. Life hands us tough times and our job is to never forget those who go before us, yet find a way to still live our lives.

Some Christmases are just more painful than others. Some are filled with happy memories and maybe this Christmas you’ll see others enjoying themselves, but inside you, it’s not the same this year.

So if someone close to you died this year, just know you are allowed to feel sad, broken, unfocused, disinterested, jealous of others’ joy and intact families, loneliness, despair, anger, bitterness, frustration, depression.

I’ve been in your shoes before and it’s just miserable. And the only thing that helped even a little, was trying to remember the happy times spent with that individual. In an effort to keep them alive, I’d talk about them out loud. When we were at the dinner table, I’d start by saying, “Do you remember when…” and tell a funny story about them.

Now some family members were a bit silent when I began, because they weren’t sure how it would all go over. Exactly what is the grieving protocol during Christmas dinner anyway? Well whatever people imagine it should be, I usually broke that myth and kept going. I really didn’t care because somehow I didn’t have a very high tolerance for nonsense or other people’s opinions anymore.

And an interesting thing happened, the elephant left the room, people started to laugh at the stories, some added onto them, told their own stories and, yes, some folks even cried, but it didn’t matter. We were no longer worried about saying their name out loud nor were we walking on eggshells around each other. Those awkward silences and pauses had left with the elephant and boy, was I glad for that!

So if this happens to be your first Christmas down the grief path, don’t be so concerned about ‘doing the correct thing’ because nobody really knows what the correct thing is. Just open up because you’ll probably be the only one who has enough guts to start talking out loud about them and guaranteed, someone will thank you.

Mostly, you will feel better…and Christmas dinner will be much easier to bear.

Sending you love on this special day! xoxo

Holidays

A Thanksgiving to Remember

2 Comments

After the death of a loved one, the first Thanksgiving can feel unsettling at best. “Exactly what could I be thankful for?” might be the line playing in your head.

You shouldn’t feel badly for having these feelings as many folks who are grieving at holiday season usually silently say this to themselves, even if they’ll never admit it out loud, for a host of reasons.

But the interesting thing about this holiday, at least for those in the USA, is to step outside our comfort zone and consider, for just a few moments, what you could be grateful for.

The times you shared with your loved one, the happy Thanksgivings you baked pies together, or jokingly quarreled over whether the turkey was better when they made it than when you made it, fussing over the menu and whom to invite.

So, through all your pain this year, try to remember and give thanks for the little things that you enjoyed in years past. And if you have strength, help someone who is even more devastated by life’s circumstances than you.

This little gift of love will brighten your soul.

Holidays

Shopping and Grieving During the Holidays

Leave a comment

One of the most stressful parts of the Christmas, Hanukkah and the holiday season is shopping for gifts but when you’ve experienced a loved one’s death, it seems almost unbearable.

Family and friends are still expecting their gifts and it is difficult, especially for little ones, to comprehend that somehow you decided to sit out this season. So let’s look at a few shortcuts to keep this task managable.

Online sites are by far the most efficient use of your time, your energy and your sanity. You sit, do some surfing, find what you want and presto, it shows up at your door. What a blessing the internet is for grieving-stricken folks. More sites are offering online deals than before and if you order from one site, chances are your shipping will be limited or perhaps zero.

Catalogues…same premise. Flip, choose, order by phone or on the web.

If you need to go to the mall, be prepared for the holiday music, the crowds, the lines, the hectic pace and of course, the people. Let’s take one at a time…

The holiday music can flip you back to a time when the person you loved who has died was shopping with you and perhaps you were singing that song together. Maybe you sang it in the car with the children. Either way that memory can pop up and you well up with tears or feel tightening in the chest.

Crowds…you’ll have less tolerance for nonsense now. Expect it. Crowds don’t seem to fit in the picture. You’re just trying to keep your emotional balance and don’t need the pushing and shoving and diving into piles of clothing for the best bargain…get the picture.

The lines…you don’t have as much patience as you normally would so long lines trying to get to a cash register is really the job of a good friend who goes to the mall with you.

The hectic pace…same issue with the crowds. This year your tolerance is low and rushing around trying to get everything done when you’re energy level will be low to begin with, can be a difficult task.

People…this might sound like a funny one, but think about this. You’ve lost your husband, sometime since last Christmas, and here you are walking in the mall, you sit to have coffee. As you begin the people watch, since you’re staring into space, you glance over to see a couple about your age who is embracing. Ouch.

Or you lost a child this year, you’re walking through one of the major department stores and unaware you walk right past the little girls’ section. It occurs to you that you won’t need to buy anything in that department this year. Double ouch.

Now that you know some of the ‘hazards’ you can be prepared. It’s more about being aware of what can occur, so you won’t put yourself into a position where you’ll be surprised. Just a little thoughtful planning will help make shopping this season more bearable.

Take the time to listen to your heart and obey what it’s telling you. If you can’t do any of this, have a friend or family member help. If you need to limit gift giving, that ok too. Just communicate it all beforehand to your loved ones. You’re gonna make it through!! Promise.