Tag Archives: Ask Mary Mac

Death of a Child, Death of a Father, Death of a Parent, Death of a Spouse, Emotional Challenges, Grieving Children

Father’s Day 2011

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I wondered what I might write today on Father’s Day. It’s not like Mother’s Day. If you forget Mother’s Day, you’ll never live it down. But for some reason, Father’s are more forgiving if you don’t attend their day. Just acknowledging it, often is enough to satisfy a good man.

But what I’m reminded of today are the many men who are grieving either their spouse and are left to raise children alone, or the Dad who have lost children along the way. I’m also thinking about the many children whose Dads are no longer alive to celebrate this day with them.

I recently met a man whose child died in a pool drowning at the age of 5. His son would have been around 40 now and he told me the story as if it happened a few months back. He faced pained with sorrow. I could tell he missed him to this day and thought often how life would have been so different had this young son grown up to be a man and enjoyed many happy memories with his Dad. But that didn’t happen.

I also met many men whose younger wives died or were killed and they were left to raise their children on their own. Men don’t do grief in the same way women do grief. They struggle with it and beat themselves up because they think they were unable to protect or fix their wives’ problems. But they are not supermen, although they haven’t figured that out. Some things can’t be fixed and some people cannot be protected from the evils and pains of the world no matter how much we’d wish we could do so.

There are no many men who have little ones at home with no mother. They struggle to play the role of Dad and Mom. They need to learn so many new skills they never thought they’d need because their wives had naturally handled more tasks so they could simply go to work and build a career and financially take care of their family.

But once a Mom is no longer alive, everything changes and the burden of multitasking is extremely difficult for men. So when a man finds himself in a position of Mom, Dad, sole financial breadwinner, teacher, coach, chauffeur, cook, cleaner, etc. he is overwhelmed.

So today I applaud all the men, especially my friend Mark, who raises his three young ones with such devotion. It isn’t easy but his dedication amazes me.

And lastly, I remember all the boys and girls, men and women whose Dads are no longer around to celebrate this day. There is so much to miss. So much to remember. And sometimes, there are melancholy moments for all the years they didn’t have with their Dad, especially if he died young.

Death of a Child, Death of a Parent, Death of Fiancee, Grieving Children, Holidays, Military

Memorial Day 2011

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In anticipation of Memorial Day this year, I did a little research to find out exactly how many families have paid the ultimate sacrifice of sending their loved ones off to war, never to return to them. I was amazed at the huge numbers of deaths, especially during World War I and II but had no idea the numbers were so high for the Civil War, especially since our population was nearly 1/3 of what it is today. Take a look at each war and the total American Fatalities for each.

American Revolutionary War 22,674
War of 1812 11,700
Mexican-American War 13,271
American Civil War (1860-1965) 618,000
Spanish-American War 5,385
Philippine-American War 4,196
World War I (1917-1918) 117,465
World War II (1941-1945) 418,500
Korean War (1950-1953) 36,516
Vietnam War 58,159
Gulf War (1991) 382
War on Terror (2001-present)
Afghanistan (2001-present) 1,413
Iraq (2003-present) 4,430

Total Military Deaths 1,312,091

Although many are unhappy with our presence in the middle east at this time, the number of casualties has been remarkable low considering we have been there for over a decade.

But to a spouse or child grieving that soldier’s death, they are the only one who matters in all these statistics. And it is their sacrifice I think about today. Their pain, their grief, their loss, their sorrow.

Each military family who has either lost a loved one or is grieving the loss of limbs, sustained head injuries, or life as they once knew it, are forever changed.

So today we remember them for their courage, their commitment, their sacrifice and thank them for all of it.

Holidays

When Grief Takes No Holiday

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Katherine glanced at the oversized banner promoting 25% off all men’s wear. “That’s one department I won’t need to shop in this season,” she thought. A suffocating feeling soon overwhelmed her. The holiday music seemed louder, the decorations larger, and the shoppers multiplied with each panic-stricken stride toward the parking lot. Moments later, she found herself collapsed in her car, weeping uncontrollably.

For most families, year-end holidays are a time of reunion, festive meals, and gift giving. But for the bereaved, those grieving the death of a loved one, this time of year can bring anxiety, mixed emotions, and heartache.

If you are grieving the death of someone close this season, there are a number of things you can do to reduce the stress and alleviate unnecessary pain.

· Understand that you are working at limited capacity and have less physical and mental energy. You may have trouble focusing and concentrating. You may need more rest. Don’t beat yourself up about this. There is no magical way to cope with your pain during the holiday season. Be gentle and patient with yourself. The holidays will definitely feel different this year and perhaps a number of years to come.

· Be selective with invitations. Don’t accept invitations simply because of obligation, past attendance, or guilt. There are no “shoulds” anymore. Do what makes you feel comfortable surrounded by caring, compassionate people who understand your grief and are willing to support whatever emotions may come up for you.

· Build into each invitation the ability to change your mind. Yes…change your mind. It’s okay to change your mind. With each RSVP, you might say, “I really want to join you, but I’m afraid I’ll wake up that day and not feel like being around a lot of people. So I’m accepting on the condition that I can cancel at the last minute or, if I do attend and it gets too much for me, you won’t be offended if I leave early.” Now you’ve set the stage to be comfortable either way.

· Keep planning simple. The more complex, the more energy you need. Make a list of all your traditional activities. Next to each event write down your thoughts and feelings: This year I don’t have the motivation to cook dinner for twenty guests. In a third column entitled “How could we do this differently?” write alternative ideas to that tradition: Ask my sister to prepare dinner this year or would Christmas brunch be easier. Discuss these new possibilities with family members. Let the list sit for a day or two then go back and make some decisions.

· After you’ve made these decisions, don’t second-guess yourself. And don’t feel guilty. You are doing what you need to do to cope with this intense holiday and all the emotion it brings.

· Limit the activities you do choose. If you decide to bake your famous cookies, make three dozen instead of the usual six. Recruit a family member or friend to shop for the ingredients, decorate the delicacies, and help clean up.

· Break down your chosen activities into small segments. Don’t try to do everything all at once. There is no hidden law that says you must decorate the Christmas tree and the entire house the same day.

· Don’t expect perfection either in what you plan, the gifts you buy for others, or the activities you attend. Shop for gifts via store and mail order catalogs, and the internet. Many merchants will wrap, include a giftcard, and ship directly to your loved one.

· Spread the joy around. If you’ve had an opportunity to sort through your loved one’s belongings, now may be the perfect time to present that special memento to your family member.

· Try to add one new tradition in memory of your loved one. Meet at the cemetery as a family to decorate a small Christmas tree. Visit the lake, beach, park, or mountains to release colorful helium balloons with private messages to them attached to each ribbon.

· Communicate with family and friends – they cannot automatically figure out what you need. If you want others to speak openly about your loved one – using their name out loud – you must express your wishes to them. Often those closest to us are uncertain whether mentioning your loved one by name will bring you joy or pain. They need for you to give them permission.

· Find a supportive friend who will stay close to you during those difficult times throughout the holidays. Depression can easily set in along with the desire to hide under the covers. Don’t let this happen to you. If you are feeling blue, call that friend and talk it out. Play soothing music in your home and pull back the curtains to welcome in the sunshine. Call your local 24-hour crisis center or perhaps your favorite ministry’s prayer line. These folks are trained to listen and help you. Don’t shut yourself out from the rest of the world no matter how tempting.

· Spend the holidays with someone. Try not to be alone. Consider when the loneliest times are for you and make arrangements to visit with others, have them visit with you, or plan an activity out.

· Include the children. Don’t be fooled into believing children do not grieve. They simply do not have the language skills to adequately express their pain. Encourage them to draw pictures and decorate cards to hang on the tree or fireplace mantel.

· Spend more time with teenagers and young adults – this may be their first death experience. New emotions associated with the grieving process can be scary. If you are having difficulty connecting with your child, ask a trusted relative to “shepherd,” or watch over, them. Don’t be offended if they find comfort sharing their fears with an adult other than you. Your pride is less important than finding your child a safe haven to express himself.

· Limit your use of drugs and alcohol. Masking the pain doesn’t make it go away – it only postpones the grieving process. You don’t want to compound one painful situation with a long-term addiction.

· Do for others. By volunteering to help your community’s less fortunate, you take the focus off yourself and your pain. Is there a local nursing or retirement home that would appreciate your family’s time?

· If you find yourself happy, smiling or laughing, don’t feel guilty about it. You are entitled to the release laughter brings.

Emotional Challenges

In The Blink of an Eye

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Well it’s been an interesting few months for me personally. On Monday evening August 31st Frank and I were driving home when an “alleged” drunk driver plowed into us head on, leaving us both unconscious in a near fatal crash.

Fortunately we were taken to the number one Trauma Center in the area, Hackensack University Medical Center in New Jersey, and spent seven weeks there being treated by a phenomenal Trauma Team, Orthopaedic Surgeons, Nurses and Aides.

This one irresponsible act has caused a great deal of trauma, pain, countless broken bones and realigned life plans for both us and family members who have graciously risen to become caregivers to us. Frank remains in critical care at the hospital and I’ve recently moved to a rehabilitation facility to work toward my recovery.

But as I’ve laid staring up at ceiling panels (do you have any idea how many tiny holes they have in them?) in between three surgeries, blood tests, IV changes, XRays, CT Scans, several pints of blood, Physical Therapy, Occupational Therapy, mountains of paperwork, police visits, and the constant consultations with nurses, trauma doctors and surgeons, you have no choice but to reassess how to move forward. And after the morphine fog slowly dissipates, and through a lot of trial and error you figure out a new pain management system, you begin to make plans again.

My beloved Foundation for Grieving Children, aka as the F4GC, continues to receive just as many grant requests while I’ve been hospitalized. We’d like to fill as many as possible and to do this I need your help.

During the month of November, we are asking our valuable donors and brand new friends who are sympathetic to our cause, to make their best donation at this season and also to extend an invitation and encourage all their friends in their email address books, as well as their Facebook, MySpace, Linked In and other social networking site accounts to give at least $10.00 sometime before November 30th. That’s only two coffees or a lunch!

To make it more fun, for each $10.00 donation you will receive 2 chances to win a 32” Insignia TV donated by Best Buy, 529 Fifth Avenue at 44th Street in Manhattan. If you donate $50.00, you’ll receive 10 chances; every $5.00 gives you another chance for the prize.

There are two easy ways to give:

1. By credit or debit card at Foundation for Grieving Children website.

2. Mailing a check to Foundation for Grieving Children, Inc., P.O. Box 3057, New York, NY 10163.

The winner’s name will be posted on our website (hopefully with their smiling face!). Funds raised in November will be sent out as grants in late December to non-profit organizations which assist, educate, counsel and comfort little ones who have experienced their parent, brother or sister, or grandparent’s death.

So please take some time this month as we move into the gift giving season to strongly encourage all your friends on Facebook, MySpace, Linked In, etc. and in your address book to make a donation before November 30th. Many thanks for spreading the word to everyone you know.

And a very special thank you in advance for your personal donation!

Blessings to you and your family,

Mary Mac
www.facebook.com/askmarymac
www.marymac.info

P.S. If you haven’t yet signed up to receive our F4GC newsletter into your inbox, please do so by simply sending an email to [email protected] and we’ll send you updates on what’s going on at the Foundation for Grieving Children. We promise not to flood you with emails because I can’t stand that either!! Just the facts madam, just the facts…

P.S.S. If you’d like to do even more, please put our cause on your personal Facebook page.

Emotional Challenges

Loving So Deeply…It Hurts

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I am reminded today of how deeply we grieve and why that really is the case. I believe we grieve so deeply because we loved so deeply. And when someone has loved so deeply they expose themselves to the vulnerability of feeling incredible pain when that loved one has died.

When we are falling in love with someone, there is little thought of all the pain they would eventually feel should their sweetheart leave them through death before they left the other person. We don’t give it much thought.

And as years go by and relationships are built and good times are shared and intimacy is developed together, we rarely think of what might happen if that person was no longer with us. If we might lose them to death regardless of when that might be in our lives.

We rarely think it might be sooner than later. We go into relationships thinking we will be with that person until we are old and gray and don’t give it much thought that there could ever be a chance they will die prematurely.

But sometimes this happens. We take years to find the love of our lives and never think anything would stop our living the dream together until our 70’s, 80’s or beyond. We look for the long haul. We look toward the ultimate…being happily together forever.

Yet what happens if forever is a few months, like when a fiancee is lost, or five years like when a new husband is killed, or like 10 years when the children are little and we need to raise them now alone, or 20 years like when the kids are grown and you thought you’d have the rest of your lives together with your sweetheart alone now.

And you find yourself in a situation where you never thought you’d be. You didn’t anticipate being alone at this point in your life. You are in love. You still have the fire you had when you began and it was snatched out from you at absolutely the wrong time in your life. There was so much life to still live.

I guess the greatest gift we can give those whom we love desperately is to always honor them, be kind to them and act as though they may not be here tomorrow. If we are kind and loving each and every day and let the nonsense slip away, we will never regret a thing of how we loved them. How we made them the center of our world. How we took the chance to completely and enthusiastically take them into our lives and love them without reservation.

Scary…oh yes. To open yourself up to that level of vulnerability seems crazy in the moment. But there needs always to be a time when we know deep down in our core that this person is my honey…my soulmate. He/she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and I am willing to take the chance to love them unconditionally knowing full well that we could lose them at any time.

But not having loved them would be so much more painful than taking the chance of loving them regardless of our past pains and losses. It takes courage to love again. It takes courage to live again.

And it is possible…