Tag Archives: bereavement

Holidays

A Thanksgiving to Remember

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After the death of a loved one, the first Thanksgiving can feel unsettling at best. “Exactly what could I be thankful for?” might be the line playing in your head.

You shouldn’t feel badly for having these feelings as many folks who are grieving at holiday season usually silently say this to themselves, even if they’ll never admit it out loud, for a host of reasons.

But the interesting thing about this holiday, at least for those in the USA, is to step outside our comfort zone and consider, for just a few moments, what you could be grateful for.

The times you shared with your loved one, the happy Thanksgivings you baked pies together, or jokingly quarreled over whether the turkey was better when they made it than when you made it, fussing over the menu and whom to invite.

So, through all your pain this year, try to remember and give thanks for the little things that you enjoyed in years past. And if you have strength, help someone who is even more devastated by life’s circumstances than you.

This little gift of love will brighten your soul.

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When Weird Things Happen

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“I was standing in the garage and all of a sudden the door to the inside of the house swung open by itself. It freaked me out. Am I the only one who notices these things?” Tim in Oklahoma

Actually Tim, my mind is filled with stories from other people who have had similar experiences after a loved one has died or was killed. I, myself, have had these experiences as well.

Funny thing is…when you tell them to other people who aren’t in the same emotional place you are, they may think you’re a little nuts. But they can be a great source of contentment knowing that the person who died is right there with you.

I remember visiting a friend of ours one Sunday afternoon, whose daughter Maria had been murdered. As we sat in the living room talking, the front door slowly opened. There was no one near the door, nor at the door.

We all looked at her mother Luisa who told us, “Oh, that happens all the time since Maria was killed. I take that as her saying hello, as if she wants to be included.”

Another time, a small music box, which I had displayed in my living room and which I hadn’t wound or played in years, suddenly started playing while we were having dinner.

The first thing I thought was my stepdaughter, Angela was saying hello. And while it may seem like a strange occurrence, it actually was quite comforting at the time.

So when the garage door occasionally and suddenly opens, consider that your loved one is sending you a little sign. A gentle nudge just to say, “I’m with you, I love you, and you’re going to be ok.”

Emotional Challenges

Loving So Deeply…It Hurts

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I am reminded today of how deeply we grieve and why that really is the case. I believe we grieve so deeply because we loved so deeply. And when someone has loved so deeply they expose themselves to the vulnerability of feeling incredible pain when that loved one has died.

When we are falling in love with someone, there is little thought of all the pain they would eventually feel should their sweetheart leave them through death before they left the other person. We don’t give it much thought.

And as years go by and relationships are built and good times are shared and intimacy is developed together, we rarely think of what might happen if that person was no longer with us. If we might lose them to death regardless of when that might be in our lives.

We rarely think it might be sooner than later. We go into relationships thinking we will be with that person until we are old and gray and don’t give it much thought that there could ever be a chance they will die prematurely.

But sometimes this happens. We take years to find the love of our lives and never think anything would stop our living the dream together until our 70’s, 80’s or beyond. We look for the long haul. We look toward the ultimate…being happily together forever.

Yet what happens if forever is a few months, like when a fiancee is lost, or five years like when a new husband is killed, or like 10 years when the children are little and we need to raise them now alone, or 20 years like when the kids are grown and you thought you’d have the rest of your lives together with your sweetheart alone now.

And you find yourself in a situation where you never thought you’d be. You didn’t anticipate being alone at this point in your life. You are in love. You still have the fire you had when you began and it was snatched out from you at absolutely the wrong time in your life. There was so much life to still live.

I guess the greatest gift we can give those whom we love desperately is to always honor them, be kind to them and act as though they may not be here tomorrow. If we are kind and loving each and every day and let the nonsense slip away, we will never regret a thing of how we loved them. How we made them the center of our world. How we took the chance to completely and enthusiastically take them into our lives and love them without reservation.

Scary…oh yes. To open yourself up to that level of vulnerability seems crazy in the moment. But there needs always to be a time when we know deep down in our core that this person is my honey…my soulmate. He/she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and I am willing to take the chance to love them unconditionally knowing full well that we could lose them at any time.

But not having loved them would be so much more painful than taking the chance of loving them regardless of our past pains and losses. It takes courage to love again. It takes courage to live again.

And it is possible…

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Lord, Can We Please Replay This Tape

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Remembering Tim Russert 1950 – 2008

My love of politics began at the assasination of President Kennedy when I found myself looking up at all the crying adults in my elevator wondering what would bring so many grown-ups to tears.

I woke up in the middle of the night when Senator Bobby Kennedy was killed to find my Dad on the edge of his living room chair staring at the television and there I was sitting next to him. The pain on his face was intriguing to me and I wanted to share that with him.

It caused me to walk into New York City Mayor John Lindsay’s storefront campaign office at the age of 11 with my best friend who sat behind me in class, Ellen McHugh, to ask if we could help. They put us to work hanging posters on street lamps and we were so proud to be a part of that campaign.

The summer I was 16, I worked for the Mayor of my Village on Long Island and had a blast. I’ll never forget those funky colored outfits he’d wear to go golf on Wednesdays.

As I went onto college, I ran and was elected to floor rep and dorm president and was active in school government. I loved it. And later I helped run Perot’s NYC campaign and became Head of the Petition Drive to get him on the ballot in NY State. Eventually I ran the campaign in Queens and Staten Island.

But the most memorable was as a Precinct Captain and member of the Executive Committee in Florida during the 2000 election. What a wild ride to live that there.

Although I had many wonderful experiences during that election cycle, what stands out in my mind so vividly was the reporting and white board of Tim Russert that year. I was amazed at how he knew all the electoral votes within each state and I found myself working the numbers with him. It was heaven for me. It was thrilling and challenging and so amazing that it kept you hanging on for all the latest projections from Tim.

On Friday when I went online to see my email and there the headline said he had suddenly died, I was shocked as was most Americans who follow politics. I just stared at the computer screen and slumped in my seat.

I told a friend who said, “Tim Russert? Meet the Press Tim Russert?” To which I replied, “Yes, THE Tim Russert.” And everything within me just simply could not believe this.

I spent the majority of my weekend watching all the tributes on MSNBC Friday night and Saturday night and then today I taped Meet the Press. How could I not.

I guess because my love of politics coupled with my passion to help the bereaved, makes me somewhat more sensitive to these kinds of things.

I looked at the Lord’s picture which hangs in my home and said, “Exactly what were you thinking? Can’t we rewind this tape?”

From my perspective, and others are saying this as well, it was absolutely, postively NOT the right time for him to leave us. His work was not done here, in my eyes. He had so much more to tell us and educate us on the political process. And he had so much more to give humanity and his family and friends who deeply loved him.

So I ask you Lord, “Can’t we please rewind this tape? Can’t we at least finish out this incredible election cycle because nothing would have been more thrilling than to see him play with that white board scribbling down possibilities as we come close to election day?”

Yet from a bereavement perspective, I’m aware that death is never fair. It doesn’t come in the time factor we’d request. Because there really never would be a good time for someone so great to die, would there be. When exactly would the right time be.

If it were after the election, then we might enjoy his play-by-play, but his family wouldn’t see him and his beloved wife watch Luke marry.

If it were after the marriage, perhaps his family and friends wouldn’t see him as a grandfather sharing the joys of grandparenting.

But it turned out, God called him now…bad timing for us, but obviously the right timing for the Lord. That’s the sucky part. We don’t get to be in on the decision. And quite frankly, it never seems like good timing anyway you look at it.

So since the Lord can’t rewind the tape I wish he would, I must be content to wish his family and friends comfort in knowing that there were many of us, who never had the privilege of knowing this gentle giant, but saw through the television that he was indeed so genuine, so pure of heart, so committed to those around him, so funny, so real, so enthusiastic about what he did in life and from my perspective, he gave us a legacy of love that will never leave any of us.

Someone like Tim Russert lived his life to the fullest. I often say I want to live till I die. And it’s rare I find others who share that passion. Tim had that. He was a rare and treasured man to his family and friends and I, for one, will miss his smiling face and exuberant energy and laughter.

His passion to engage and educate Americans in the political process was simply divine.

So now God gets to have the firsthand play by play this election cycle, while He’s greeting Tim and saying, “Well done my good and faithful servant.”

Holidays, Military

To Always Remember Their Sacrifice

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Memorial Day, 2008

In America, today we honor the men and women who have given the ultimate sacrifice by fighting in battles all around this globe, to keep our citizens free. Sometimes we forget that ours is an all volunteer military. We have no draft. We train these brave ones to kill the enemy so you and I can know that our existence in the United States is a safe one.

Yet, it is important to not only remember those killed, but the first-hand and second-hand survivors who are grieving as a result of those deaths.

If you consider any one person’s passing will have upward of 300 people who loved and cherished them, it is a staggering number of people who remember them today.Just think of their family members, friends, neighbors, the military, classmates, teammates, business colleagues, people they knew from church, synagogue, social circles, clubs, etc. And what about their parents’ and siblings’ friends who knew them. They are also affected.

So there is much I want to say here…

First, I’d like to address the grief of the spouse, parents, siblings, grandparents, children, other family members, friends and loved ones of a man or woman killed in the line of duty. Your loved one gave the ultimate sacrifice and every American citizen owes you a sincere thank you for enduring the pain you feel now, for the good of our citizens’ safety.

Secondly, are the needs of military families. Their spouses have been raising children on their own, with little support both financially or personally, and doing a great job at it as well. They struggle to make ends meet and it is beyond me how our Congress cannot make it easier on these active duty families.

They are going into credit card debt, as many citizens, just to survive. But they shouldn’t have to. Banks are foreclosing on homes, ruining credit ratings because credit cards haven’t been paid in a timely fashion. When you expect to be deployed for one tour, which turns into two and three tours, it sort of turns your life upside down.

It’s hard to worry about paying a credit card bill when your main mission today is staying alive and keeping those around you alive, all while in a foreign land. Do the people at these banks get it? Obviously not.

My solution…their debts should become frozen once they are deployed, not to gain a cent of interest or penalty nor become due again until six months after they’re home.

Exactly when will some Congressman or woman step up to the plate and make this right… Senator McCain – how about you?

And if this family experiences the death of their spouse in the line of duty, now they lose their homes, support systems, and more. They must leave the military bases and return to wherever they originally came. In the process they and their children lose their home, friends, classmates, neighbors, other military family’s support. They lose more than just their loved ones. Additionally, they lose income so it is now doubly hard for the surviving spouse to readjust to raising a family alone.

Next…the first hand survivors are also military; those who knew the soldier directly.

Prolonged deployments overseas only delay the grieving process. Wisdom says we must help these brave men and women achieve mental stability all along the way.

Yes, it is only natural that we repair their physical bodies, but we must treat their mental symptoms as well. Seeing multiple deaths during repeated tours overseas is something that stays with you. It is not easily released.

And when someone returns to the home they once knew, they are changed. And they need time to acclimate themselves to their old lives. One thing is certain – they are different now. They have seen too much and are not the same. How could they be?

This weekend I wish us to remember how difficult it must be to trade in a machine gun, grenade, and HumVee, back to a laptop, blackberry and IPOD. I can’t even imagine how that’s done.

And, lastly, second-hand survivors are the family members of these surviving military buddies who will come home, grieving their fellow soldiers’ deaths in combat, and their immediate family members here in the US are scrambling how best to help them through this grief, not to mention their need to acclimate themselves into society back here once again.

So I find it unconscionable that our elected officials do not make it a higher priority to have premier bereavement services available to the surviving families of the military personnel who have been killed and to every active duty soldier overseas and later, upon their return home, to serve them and their families as well.

Military death touches so many lives and we rarely acknowledge all the people affected. Let’s begin to better understand the domino effect of grief caused by war…and let’s effectively deal with it from the onset.